Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
don't judge my taste in strippers
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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