Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
