I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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