im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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