this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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