I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
