how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
