You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
