My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
