some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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