Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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