tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
