I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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