Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
