The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
