if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
