Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
