genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
