yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
