I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
