I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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