it was like his penis was on wheels.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Let's get the cat blown out
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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