fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
