My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
