You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
