Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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