I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize