Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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