i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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