Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
