I am puke
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
