paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
