I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
