I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
