I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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