Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize