Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I love you. Go after that dick
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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