what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
