so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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