we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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