you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
