you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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