Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
