Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
