I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Drake has all the answers
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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