Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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