so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
