My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
