separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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