PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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