Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
