i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My balls are so social today.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
