yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
