Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
