I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
