i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Two words: blizzard sex
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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