I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize