Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
