I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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