my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
